Here’s a question for parents: Are you proud of your children or proud of yourselves?
Sure, we can recognize the nuance here. To some extent, it is natural to be proud of yourselves for the accomplishments of your children. Yes honey, we did a good job raising our little Johnny. But if one seeks accolades and admiration, or some other form of reputational advantage for oneself, because of the accomplishments or behavior of one’s child, then one ventures into the realm of vanity.
Let’s define the concept of vanity children. I could not find an adequate definition, so I have created my own:
vanity children (noun)Children produced for the vanity of their parents; or to enhance the reputation of their parents. These parents want to improve their own standing, with their friends and family and within the community at large, by the behavior and accomplishments of their children. In the extreme, these parents may not even want children, but nevertheless have them so that the children can confirm the self-worth of the parents and make the parents look good. The children are used to make a statement about the parent's worth and morality. Just look at the behavior and accomplishments of our children; clearly we are better people than you.
As a boy, my father was a boy scout. But his family moved frequently and he was never able to attain the rank of Eagle Scout. Well, he made damn sure that his two sons became Eagle Scouts. We can debate the merits of scouting. But whatever its merits, make no mistake about it, my father wanted those Eagles, not for his sons, but for himself. They fulfilled his need for accomplishment. And they were good for his reputation. Ultimately, they served his vanity.
I have never told anyone that I am an Eagle Scout. It is not my accomplish- ment. That Eagle does not belong to me. Not really. It belongs to my father. And he is so very proud of it.
While scouting is a good example, it is fairly benign. I have written here about my parents' demand for preternatural behavior and obedience. And the extreme lengths that they went to achieve these desires – I consider it child abuse. And while there were a number of factors which led to their behavior, concern for their reputation was very important.