End Corporal Punishment of Children

Where is corporal punishment of children illegal?

I am loathe to give the smug Swedes credit for anything, but there is this.  The United States is not on this list.  South Sudan, Congo, Guinea, and Zambia, yes absolutely, but not the US.

If you are over five feet tall and you find yourself beating another human being under, what, four feet tall, three feet tall, two feet tall? (pick for yourself), you should go to jail.

You belong in jail.

I could not care less what was acceptable for your parents.  Or your grandparents.  Or that times have changed.  There was a time when children were basically considered property.  None of these are sufficient arguments in favor of the practice.  My mother would not tap her dog on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, but she had no problem beating her children.  Just imagine.

Parents strike their children for two reasons and two reasons only.  One because they are angry, and two, because they can (without consequence).  I have written previously on this topic.

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Only Lazy Parents Beat Their Children

Parenting is a lot of work.  I know loads of good parents.  Mostly friends and neighbors, clients and colleagues.  I am always amazed at how much work is involved.  And of course, how it never ends.  It's 24/7 for years on end.  If it ever really ends.

Part of that, a big part of that, is teaching children to be good people.  To teach them right and wrong.  That is a big part of a parent's job:  To produce good, productive adults-in-the-making.  To that end, Jordan Peterson says:  Never allow your children to do anything that will make you dislike them.  I totally agree.

And think about how this is done.  It is a years-long daily exercise of example and instruction and correction.  Sure, some parents are better at it than others.  Some parents work harder at it than others.  Some parents care too much, and sadly, some parents care too little.

But there is a shortcut.  If your kid does something that you do not like, just beat them.

They'll stop.

And if you are the absolute worst sort of parent:  You'll congratulate yourself for it.  You might even look down on other hapless parents, with their rowdy, rambunctious children.  If only those people knew enough or cared enough to be effective, responsible parents, like you.  If only they had your...courage.

Just to be clear, there is a difference between lazy people and lazy parents.  My parents were very hardworking people.  But they found responsible parenting to be beneath their dignity and tolerance.  They were not willing to take the time and make the effort required to be decent parents.

So...they opted for the shortcut.

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Series:  Beating Little Children

Part Three of Three

The Myth of Spanking

I have to write a follow up to my previous post, On Child Abuse and PTSD.  People who beat their children always say:  I spank my children because I love them.  And if you allow these parents, they will expound on how they explain to their children why they are to receive such a punishment.  As if it is all done in some calm and constructive manner.

Well it is a lie.  And to the extent it is believed, it is a myth.

My parents firmly believed in spanking their children and were enthusiastic practitioners.  And if asked, you'd get the party line above.  But it was never calm and constructive.  It was ALWAYS done in anger.  And very often in front of others.  Sometimes even as a demonstration to other adults — Of what righteous and responsible parents they were.

Parents strike their children because they are angry.  Period.  There may be additional reasons:  The parents are tyrannical or unstable.  Or they lack self-control.  Whatever.  But there is one additional factor that is always present:  Parents strike their children simply because they can.  Without consequence.

Now, is it possible that somewhere out there is a parent who waits 24 hours, and then says:  Now little Johnny, I am going to spank you for your behavior yesterday?  Maybe these parents exist.  But if they do, they are extremely rare.  And I am certainly not about to justify even this parental misconduct.  Example:  Okay little Johnny, yesterday I caught you hitting your sister, and it is not right for you to hit anyone, and to prove it, I am going to hit you.  Simply labeling this reasoning old-fashioned relieves the parents of their culpability.  Would it be hyperbolic to label it barbaric?  Perhaps we can agree on primitive.

In fact, my parents struck their two little boys so much and so frequently, that looking back on it, I have to conclude that it was much more than mere anger and a lack of self-control.  Without consequence, their abuse was an entitlement, achieved with complete impunity.  It was a power trip and a fetish.  Even today, fifty years later, they gloat about it.  Just imagine.

Imagine the contempt that they must have had for their children.  An idea comes to mind:  They sacrificed their children on the altar of their own ego.  But that's not quite right, is it?  Whoever heard of an angry sacrifice?  A real sacrifice is done in sorrow in order to bestow future blessings.  An angry sacrifice could only ensure future sorrow.

An angry sacrifice?  There’s another word for that:  Execution.

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Series:  Beating Little Children

Part Two of Three

On Child Abuse and PTSD

I recently read that adults who suffered abuse as children often have symptoms of PTSD.  We have all heard the term PTSD, but I really did not know how this related to child abuse.

So I Googled:  child abuse ptsd.  And this short 2011 article popped right up:  The Lingering Trauma of Child Abuse.

The most salient paragraph:

Once a child has grown to be an adult, however, symptoms of PTSD can become more subtle as he or she learns how to cope with this in day-to-day life.  The symptoms of PTSD can be quite general and can mimic other disorders:  Depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, problems with alcohol and drugs, sleep issues, and eating disorders are just a few.  Many have problems in their relationships and trusting another person again.  Many even end up in abusive relationships and find themselves re-enacting the past.

Which of course eerily corresponds with what I wrote myself last year in The Shadow.

But as so often happens, it was in the comments (sadly since removed from the article) that I found the most useful nuggets.  Here's a comment and a response:

Spanking  Different children need different forms of discipline.  That is because kids are all different.  My two children are very self-willed and headstrong; just like their mom.  So if talking to them doesn't work then I will spank them.  I sit down and put them over my knee and spank them.  And you know what?  Their attitudes improve every time.  Spanking your kid is not abuse.  I've seen abuse and spanking isn't it.  I want to raise a kid that I can respect and like.  I'm not raising jerks, thank you.  Oh and btw, [I always explain] why they got a spanking and also that their mom loves them more than anything on this earth.  There's a right way to do it, ok.  Have a nice day :)

You abusers always tell us  You abusers always tell us you do this because you love us, and this hurts me more than it hurts you – but you never let your kid hit you to see if that is true, do you?  We know how stupid that, and you, really are.  Attitude improvement??  No, your kids just get quiet because they do not want you to keep hitting them and hurting them!

You want a kid you can like and respect, eh?  Well, that is not your job as a parent.  Your child’s purpose in life IS NOT to please you and give YOU satisfaction!  That is why you had kids?  To give yourself pleasure?  That is what you think your kids exist for?  Your gratification, satisfaction, entertainment and legacy?

It is all about you, isn’t it? Your child’s life is not our life.

You will probably be surprised to find out what your children really think of you someday.  Sadly, you probably will not get it even then.  You will join the group of parents who sob loudly and cry big tears about how you gave them everything, told them you loved them, and have no idea why they have cut you off.  You deserve to have them in your life, and they ungratefully refuse to come around.  You will not understand why they left and won’t give you the love and attention you deserve.  After all, you did it the right way, so it can’t possibly be your fault.

You are not teaching your kids anything.  You are beating them into submission.  They will do or say whatever they must to keep you from hitting them.  Are you truly stupid enough to think they will come to you with problems or ask you for help when they know they will be hit for it?  Yeah, you probably are that stupid.  Abusers are.

How do you like being an abuser?  You will deny it...they always do.  Enjoy your denial sandwich. 

Sure, I would have expressed it differently.  But she gets the job done.  One additional comment is worth noting:

The law  It's a sad, sad thing that most nations in the world have not banned so-called physical discipline.  By not doing so, they actually allow adults (among them, drunken adults, unstable adults, sadistic adults, religious adults, pedophile adults) to traumatize children.

I'm glad I live in a country (Norway) where all spanking is forbidden by law.  Under five percent of the world's children are that lucky.

All of these quotes have been lightly edited for clarity and readability. 

Understand that I personally never use the word spanking.  The word is used to hide and justify abuse as a legitimate form of discipline.

And I wanted to include that final comment, which is actually the first comment to the original article, because it is so on point.  Unstable adults.  Surely that must include irrationally angry and contemptuous parents.  Maybe this is part of the reason Norway has developed into one of the richest nations in the world:  They don't mistreat their children.

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Series:  Beating Little Children

Part One of Three