I wrote earlier this year that the primary job of parents is to keep their children safe. That is certainly true in the short term. In the longer term, parents have a responsibility to raise well-adjusted, psychologically-healthy children, so that they later become well-adjusted, psychologically-healthy adults.
This is not a difficult concept. But my parents did not give a damn about this duty. As parents of young children, they only cared about two things. One, their children conforming to their irrational, unreasonable, and preternatural conception of behavior and obedience. And two, their incredibly warped and disturbed understanding of, and concern for, their reputation. And they were perfectly willing to abuse their children, physically, verbally, and emotionally, to insure these requirements. With devastating long term consequences.
I struggled mightily to overcome their abuse, and had put it behind me, and perhaps had even forgiven them, when in 2019, they were all too willing to demonstrate that nothing had really changed. Behind the veneer of respectability lurks a common and wholly unrepentant child abuser, who longs for the day when he could simply beat his children into submission to his will, however irrational it may be.
The worst part is that they continue to believe that their child abuse, and likewise their conduct in 2019, were within the bounds of decency. They refuse to even acknowledge any misconduct. So they have no shame and deny any and all accountability. It's arrogance; willfully blind arrogance. This is what is so unforgivable today. Not their actual abuse or misconduct, but rather their continuing belief that these derelictions were acceptable. And why would they believe otherwise? They have never suffered any consequences whatsoever for their bad behavior.
So in 2019, a new response was in order. Estrangement is not desirable; no one wants to lose their family. But when one's self-respect is in jeopardy, surely estrangement becomes a reasonable option; perhaps even a healthy option. If someone does not respect you, regardless of who they are or what they may have done for you, in order to maintain your own self-respect, you have to let go and move on.
I had put their abuse behind me. But the events of 2019 really left me no choice. Our estrangement may have been decades delayed, but its time has come. Because surely we, all of us, should expect some minimum level of goodwill and behavior. Surely we owe this to ourselves.
This is not a difficult concept. But my parents did not give a damn about this duty. As parents of young children, they only cared about two things. One, their children conforming to their irrational, unreasonable, and preternatural conception of behavior and obedience. And two, their incredibly warped and disturbed understanding of, and concern for, their reputation. And they were perfectly willing to abuse their children, physically, verbally, and emotionally, to insure these requirements. With devastating long term consequences.
I struggled mightily to overcome their abuse, and had put it behind me, and perhaps had even forgiven them, when in 2019, they were all too willing to demonstrate that nothing had really changed. Behind the veneer of respectability lurks a common and wholly unrepentant child abuser, who longs for the day when he could simply beat his children into submission to his will, however irrational it may be.
The worst part is that they continue to believe that their child abuse, and likewise their conduct in 2019, were within the bounds of decency. They refuse to even acknowledge any misconduct. So they have no shame and deny any and all accountability. It's arrogance; willfully blind arrogance. This is what is so unforgivable today. Not their actual abuse or misconduct, but rather their continuing belief that these derelictions were acceptable. And why would they believe otherwise? They have never suffered any consequences whatsoever for their bad behavior.
So in 2019, a new response was in order. Estrangement is not desirable; no one wants to lose their family. But when one's self-respect is in jeopardy, surely estrangement becomes a reasonable option; perhaps even a healthy option. If someone does not respect you, regardless of who they are or what they may have done for you, in order to maintain your own self-respect, you have to let go and move on.
I had put their abuse behind me. But the events of 2019 really left me no choice. Our estrangement may have been decades delayed, but its time has come. Because surely we, all of us, should expect some minimum level of goodwill and behavior. Surely we owe this to ourselves.
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