Your Parents Did Their Best

Earlier this year, someone said to me:  I'm sure your parents did their best.

I am not an unreasonable person.  I can forgive a lot if it is true that anyone does their best in any endeavor.  Most of us can.

But with a bit of reflection, I had to ask:  Really?  Because I do not think they did their best.  That would mean that they actually tried to do their best and I just do not see that.  They simply did not care enough about the project of raising children.  As I pointed out recently, responsible parenting was beneath their dignity and tolerance.  They were not willing to take the time and make the effort required to be decent parents.

By the time you get to my age (over fifty), you've seen good parenting and bad.  You've seen parents say:  Look little Johnny, I told you not to do that; now go sit on the stairs for a while.  And you've seen parents grab their kid and beat them for accidentally knocking over a glass of wine.  It's just not a difficult distinction to comprehend.

And while it may not be politically correct to say, surely education level plays a part.  To my mind, more educated parents have less excuse for mistreatment of children.  They should know better.

They do know better.  Some just don't care.  They do not care enough to conduct themselves in a proper manner.  And whatever you may think of this, it is very difficult to argue that:  They did their best.

They certainly did NOT do their best.

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Grateful Children or Grateful Parents?

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.

Traditionally in our culture, at least since the time of Shakespeare, it has been the norm that children should be grateful for all the blessings they have received from their parents.  And for their parents themselves.  It's simple:  Parents gave, children received, therefore children should be grateful.

Clearly, this idea is no longer the norm.  So when did this change?  I would put it somewhere around the middle of the last century; say around 1950.  I am sure that the academics can expound on this subject greatly.  But let me tell you what I see.  I see a generation who grew up in the Great Depression and then survived the Second World War.  And afterwards, the survivors came home, grateful to be alive.  And when those people, men and women, got married and started families, they were rightfully grateful for their children.

Parents were fortunate and lucky to even have children.  Some would say, blessed with children.  So rather than parents gave, we transitioned to parents owe.  Parents owe their children everything.

Should children be grateful?  Of course; this is not an either/or proposition.  But it is the parents who bring forth children, not the other way around.  If the gratitude of children is paramount, it gives the parents unlimited license.  License to mistreat and abuse.  But these are mere symptoms.  What I really mean is:  License to have contempt for one's children.  License to hold your children in contempt.  And just think about all the consequences of that.

Well one consequence, and only one of a number, is the difference between unconditional love and conditional love.  It is impossible to love a child unconditionally when you have contempt for him.  After all, he owes you so much.  And he is a burden, and perhaps an embarrassment and a disappointment.  So contempt gives rise to conditional love.

Anyway, this was a new and enlightened phenomenon:  A whole generation grateful for their children.  And there remain large swaths of the world where this is not yet the standard.  But of course, once a society makes this cultural leap forward, there is no turning back.  If you doubt my thesis here, just consider the areas and countries where this new standard has taken root and where it has not.  Which of these societies are advanced, and which of these are undeniably backwards?

Now sure, we can ask, has this gone too far?  But it is clear that the idea that parents should be grateful for their children is far superior to the idea that children should be grateful for their parents.  Parents should be grateful.  If you do not see the supremacy of this idea, you do not belong in this age.  You belong in the age of King Lear, a father overflowing with contempt.

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The Question

Did my parents abuse me?

Let’s expand the question just a bit:  When I was a child, did my parents' conduct rise to the level of abuse?  This has been a question for me, basically, all of my adult life.  Broken as I may have been, I still asked the question.

And what a question, right?  But I doubt I am alone in asking this terrible question.  For some, the answer is an obvious yes.  However, those unfortunate souls need not ask the question.  They already know the answer.  But some of us are unsure, and seemingly there is no answer.  So the question just sort of festers…indefinitely.

Well in 2019, well past the age of fifty, I found an answer and it helped change my life.  Notice I say:  an answer.  I am sure other people will have other answers.  But for those of you who are perhaps unsure of the answer, as I was, maybe you will find this helpful.

I read this somewhere:

People who were not abused do not ask themselves if they were abused.  The question never occurs to them.  The only people who ask themselves this question are those who were in fact abused.

It is not a perfect answer.  Some might even argue that it is a bit trite.  But I found it immensely helpful.

And for those of you who might dismiss this simple theory, allow me to pick it apart…for you.  Just a bit.  The first two sentences, I believe, are simple statements of fact.  Indisputable.  So really, it is only the third and final sentence that is at all open to question.  But I can tell you this:  For those of us who have asked the question, that third sentence is spot on.  I know it is a bit of a cliché, but to ask the question, is to answer it.  Notice that there is no no.  Because if the answer is no, the question does not exist.

Some will argue that this is overly subjective and does not allow for any objective standard.  But this is not an academic work.  If the reader needs an objective standard, I urge you to search elsewhere.  The goal here is to answer our own individual version of the question.  For ourselves.

Now, might there be some people who will use this idea disingenuously?  In order to feign abuse for their own ends, whatever they may be.  Sure, I can see that possibility.  But this is not a question for others.  Again, this is a question for ourselves.  We need an answer to the question.  Not for others and not to use as an excuse.  To determine how we should move forward, we need to resolve the question in our own minds and for our own benefit.

So, did my parents abuse me?

Yes.

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Only Lazy Parents Beat Their Children

Parenting is a lot of work.  I know loads of good parents.  Mostly friends and neighbors, clients and colleagues.  I am always amazed at how much work is involved.  And of course, how it never ends.  It's 24/7 for years on end.  If it ever really ends.

Part of that, a big part of that, is teaching children to be good people.  To teach them right and wrong.  That is a big part of a parent's job:  To produce good, productive adults-in-the-making.  To that end, Jordan Peterson says:  Never allow your children to do anything that will make you dislike them.  I totally agree.

And think about how this is done.  It is a years-long daily exercise of example and instruction and correction.  Sure, some parents are better at it than others.  Some parents work harder at it than others.  Some parents care too much, and sadly, some parents care too little.

But there is a shortcut.  If your kid does something that you do not like, just beat them.

They'll stop.

And if you are the absolute worst sort of parent:  You'll congratulate yourself for it.  You might even look down on other hapless parents, with their rowdy, rambunctious children.  If only those people knew enough or cared enough to be effective, responsible parents, like you.  If only they had your...courage.

Just to be clear, there is a difference between lazy people and lazy parents.  My parents were very hardworking people.  But they found responsible parenting to be beneath their dignity and tolerance.  They were not willing to take the time and make the effort required to be decent parents.

So...they opted for the shortcut.

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Series:  Beating Little Children

Part Three of Three

The Myth of Spanking

I have to write a follow up to my previous post, On Child Abuse and PTSD.  People who beat their children always say:  I spank my children because I love them.  And if you allow these parents, they will expound on how they explain to their children why they are to receive such a punishment.  As if it is all done in some calm and constructive manner.

Well it is a lie.  And to the extent it is believed, it is a myth.

My parents firmly believed in spanking their children and were enthusiastic practitioners.  And if asked, you'd get the party line above.  But it was never calm and constructive.  It was ALWAYS done in anger.  And very often in front of others.  Sometimes even as a demonstration to other adults — Of what righteous and responsible parents they were.

Parents strike their children because they are angry.  Period.  There may be additional reasons:  The parents are tyrannical or unstable.  Or they lack self-control.  Whatever.  But there is one additional factor that is always present:  Parents strike their children simply because they can.  Without consequence.

Now, is it possible that somewhere out there is a parent who waits 24 hours, and then says:  Now little Johnny, I am going to spank you for your behavior yesterday?  Maybe these parents exist.  But if they do, they are extremely rare.  And I am certainly not about to justify even this parental misconduct.  Example:  Okay little Johnny, yesterday I caught you hitting your sister, and it is not right for you to hit anyone, and to prove it, I am going to hit you.  Simply labeling this reasoning old-fashioned relieves the parents of their culpability.  Would it be hyperbolic to label it barbaric?  Perhaps we can agree on primitive.

In fact, my parents struck their two little boys so much and so frequently, that looking back on it, I have to conclude that it was much more than mere anger and a lack of self-control.  Without consequence, their abuse was an entitlement, achieved with complete impunity.  It was a power trip and a fetish.  Even today, fifty years later, they gloat about it.  Just imagine.

Imagine the contempt that they must have had for their children.  An idea comes to mind:  They sacrificed their children on the altar of their own ego.  But that's not quite right, is it?  Whoever heard of an angry sacrifice?  A real sacrifice is done in sorrow in order to bestow future blessings.  An angry sacrifice could only ensure future sorrow.

An angry sacrifice?  There’s another word for that:  Execution.

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Series:  Beating Little Children

Part Two of Three

On Child Abuse and PTSD

I recently read that adults who suffered abuse as children often have symptoms of PTSD.  We have all heard the term PTSD, but I really did not know how this related to child abuse.

So I Googled:  child abuse ptsd.  And this short 2011 article popped right up:  The Lingering Trauma of Child Abuse.

The most salient paragraph:

Once a child has grown to be an adult, however, symptoms of PTSD can become more subtle as he or she learns how to cope with this in day-to-day life.  The symptoms of PTSD can be quite general and can mimic other disorders:  Depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, problems with alcohol and drugs, sleep issues, and eating disorders are just a few.  Many have problems in their relationships and trusting another person again.  Many even end up in abusive relationships and find themselves re-enacting the past.

Which of course eerily corresponds with what I wrote myself last year in The Shadow.

But as so often happens, it was in the comments (sadly since removed from the article) that I found the most useful nuggets.  Here's a comment and a response:

Spanking  Different children need different forms of discipline.  That is because kids are all different.  My two children are very self-willed and headstrong; just like their mom.  So if talking to them doesn't work then I will spank them.  I sit down and put them over my knee and spank them.  And you know what?  Their attitudes improve every time.  Spanking your kid is not abuse.  I've seen abuse and spanking isn't it.  I want to raise a kid that I can respect and like.  I'm not raising jerks, thank you.  Oh and btw, [I always explain] why they got a spanking and also that their mom loves them more than anything on this earth.  There's a right way to do it, ok.  Have a nice day :)

You abusers always tell us  You abusers always tell us you do this because you love us, and this hurts me more than it hurts you – but you never let your kid hit you to see if that is true, do you?  We know how stupid that, and you, really are.  Attitude improvement??  No, your kids just get quiet because they do not want you to keep hitting them and hurting them!

You want a kid you can like and respect, eh?  Well, that is not your job as a parent.  Your child’s purpose in life IS NOT to please you and give YOU satisfaction!  That is why you had kids?  To give yourself pleasure?  That is what you think your kids exist for?  Your gratification, satisfaction, entertainment and legacy?

It is all about you, isn’t it? Your child’s life is not our life.

You will probably be surprised to find out what your children really think of you someday.  Sadly, you probably will not get it even then.  You will join the group of parents who sob loudly and cry big tears about how you gave them everything, told them you loved them, and have no idea why they have cut you off.  You deserve to have them in your life, and they ungratefully refuse to come around.  You will not understand why they left and won’t give you the love and attention you deserve.  After all, you did it the right way, so it can’t possibly be your fault.

You are not teaching your kids anything.  You are beating them into submission.  They will do or say whatever they must to keep you from hitting them.  Are you truly stupid enough to think they will come to you with problems or ask you for help when they know they will be hit for it?  Yeah, you probably are that stupid.  Abusers are.

How do you like being an abuser?  You will deny it...they always do.  Enjoy your denial sandwich. 

Sure, I would have expressed it differently.  But she gets the job done.  One additional comment is worth noting:

The law  It's a sad, sad thing that most nations in the world have not banned so-called physical discipline.  By not doing so, they actually allow adults (among them, drunken adults, unstable adults, sadistic adults, religious adults, pedophile adults) to traumatize children.

I'm glad I live in a country (Norway) where all spanking is forbidden by law.  Under five percent of the world's children are that lucky.

All of these quotes have been lightly edited for clarity and readability. 

Understand that I personally never use the word spanking.  The word is used to hide and justify abuse as a legitimate form of discipline.

And I wanted to include that final comment, which is actually the first comment to the original article, because it is so on point.  Unstable adults.  Surely that must include irrationally angry and contemptuous parents.  Maybe this is part of the reason Norway has developed into one of the richest nations in the world:  They don't mistreat their children.

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Series:  Beating Little Children

Part One of Three

A Father's Pride

A know a gal.  She's a little younger than me, and she is very nice.  She is a good person.

She is not dumb, but she is not terribly clever either.  She is not very ambitious.  She has a Class B undergraduate degree from a Class C university.  She is college-educated, but she is not a reader and a thinker.

She has always been a bit of a job hopper, never staying at one place too long.  She has a tendency to blame her sexist bosses.  She never started her own business, even though I think it would have made her happier.

She is no longer the beauty that she once was.  But she is not unattractive.  She could stand to lose a bit of weight.

She is divorced with no children.  She drinks too much, but I would not call her an alcoholic.

And guess what?

Her father thinks she walks on water.  He is so very proud of her.  How could he be anything else?  After all, he is her father.  That is his job.

And you know what else?  She's a wonderful person.  He should be proud of her.

Is this really so complicated?

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Vanity Children

Here’s a question for parents:  Are you proud of your children or proud of yourselves?

Sure, we can recognize the nuance here.  To some extent, it is natural to be proud of yourselves for the accomplishments of your children.  Yes honey, we did a good job raising our little Johnny.  But if one seeks accolades and admiration, or some other form of reputational advantage for oneself, because of the accomplishments or behavior of one’s child, then one ventures into the realm of vanity.

Let’s define the concept of vanity children.  I could not find an adequate definition, so I have created my own:

vanity children (noun)

Children produced for the vanity of their parents; or to enhance the reputation of their parents.  These parents want to improve their own standing, with their friends and family and within the community at large, by the behavior and accomplishments of their children.  In the extreme, these parents may not even want children, but nevertheless have them so that the children can confirm the self-worth of the parents and make the parents look good.  The children are used to make a statement about the parent's worth and morality.  Just look at the behavior and accomplishments of our children; clearly we are better people than you.

As a boy, my father was a boy scout.  But his family moved frequently and he was never able to attain the rank of Eagle Scout.  Well, he made damn sure that his two sons became Eagle Scouts.  We can debate the merits of scouting.  But whatever its merits, make no mistake about it, my father wanted those Eagles, not for his sons, but for himself.  They fulfilled his need for accomplishment.  And they were good for his reputation.  Ultimately, they served his vanity.

I have never told anyone that I am an Eagle Scout.  It is not my accomplish- ment.  That Eagle does not belong to me.  Not really.  It belongs to my father.  And he is so very proud of it.

While scouting is a good example, it is fairly benign.  I have written here about my parents' demand for preternatural behavior and obedience.  And the extreme lengths that they went to achieve these desires – I consider it child abuse.  And while there were a number of factors which led to their behavior, concern for their reputation was very important.

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Response to What Happens When the News is Gone?

A few thoughts on Charles Bethea's What Happens When the News is Gone, published today as part of The Future of Democracy series on The New Yorker website.

Jones County's news desert is not actually new.  According to Bethea, the county found itself without a newspaper in the mid-seventies.  So my grandfather started one.

The economics of rural newspapers have always been fragile.  Given their much lower paid subscription counts, rural papers were more heavily dependent on advertising than their urban counterparts.  Lose one or two important advertisers one week, and you may well not publish the next.  Without a wealthy publisher willing and able to plow money into a paper, investigative journalism, especially at the expense of advertisers, was a luxury that few rural papers could ever afford.

I have no knowledge of Lois Simpson's and Sondra Riggs' departure from the Jones Post.  But surely when someone is fired, they tend to remember the circumstances in some detail?  Yet according to the article, neither of them do.  However, they both seem proud of the investigative reporting they did at the Post:  Simpson's self-described tail-burning resulted in a number of elected officials being moved on (her words) and Riggs proudly reports that she was known as the blonde-headed vigilante bitch who raised mortal hell covering the New York garbage barge.

Sure sounds like journalism.  They must have had a supportive publisher.

Reuben Moore, Newspaperman

In fact, my grandfather entered the newspaper business late in life, in the early nineteen-seventies, well past the age of 50.  He was older than I am today; I cannot imagine starting a newspaper from scratch at my age.  Before that he was a salesman and a farmer, and he even served a term in our state's General Assembly.

But I think it was newspaper publishing where he belatedly discovered his true vocation.  Along with my grandmother, Frances, he founded The Pender Post in 1971.  This was in Burgaw, in Pender County, in rural southeastern North Carolina.  A few years later, he started the Jones Post, in nearby Jones County.

In the seventies and eighties, he was one of the heroes of rural newspaper publishing here in North Carolina.  When Jones County found itself without a newspaper, instead of bemoaning the loss in a highbrow New York magazine, he rolled up his sleeves and started one.  I am not suggesting that Charles Bethea move to Trenton and start a newspaper.  But in an article about the loss of rural journalism, why traduce someone who did so much to sustain it?
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